Some people (like the worthless staff at CdC HQ) may have taken this past month off. But the world of drinks doesn’t sleep for a minute, so let’s get right into it as there’s a lot of ground to cover like keeping in mind those “global wine shortage in 2018” headlines from just a few years ago.
Every summer has a “thing”. Did you miss the “thing”?
Well, if the “thing” passed you by, for 2023 it was all about putting ice cubes in your wine. If you don’t have an opinion on this, don’t worry because David Chang made sure to chime in. As per his normal manner of being ashamed for his actions yet doing whatever he wants anyway, he’s okay with it, but yet, feels bad in what’s clearly an attempt to stay relevant despite generally being considered to be a gigantic bellend at this point.
Just to confirm, putting ice cubes in wine doesn’t make you a degenerate or former member of the Britpop sensation, Blur. Wearing white after Labor Day however is a a whole different sack of turnips.
American Airlines has “shocked” business fliers in that they will stop serving Drappier Champagne and instead make the switch to the sparkling wine, Ferrari from Trentodoc in Italy. It’s unclear if customers will get over this given the only reason we fly on airplanes is to sit down and enjoy a glass of midrange bubbly in a pressurized cabin for a couple of hours. Well, all of us except that guy who had a manbaby meltdown because he couldn’t get his pre-flight G&T.
While there may not be fires in Napa Valley this year (yet), the battle over onsite tastings rages on… At stake is the definition of what a “small” winery is in the region which is apparently one that produces less than 20,000 gallons (75,708l) or a bit over 100,000 bottles. Whatever a “big” winery is, I don’t want to see it but they probably stock the wines at Costco, permanently on sale.
From the Hotcake Economics Division at CdC HQ comes word that travel books generated by AI are becoming something of a problem on Amazon. So that’s why the latest Thailand guide from “Only Planet” by “Stick Reeves” was so well priced.
In case you missed it in the Sunday’s Sober Edition of the CdC, the non-alcoholic drinks space at Waitrose in the UK will grow 60% this year… at the expense of the alcoholic space. This apocalyptic nightmare area of the store will be signaled with blue colors so if you screw up and wonder why the “booze” you bought isn’t blocking out what your idiot brother in-law is saying during Christmas, that’s on you.
For anyone wondering if you could reproduce a hangover in mere words, look no further than a "SunnyD Vodka Seltzer". Play hard. Juice harder.
Our Bureau of Underwater Shitz was very, very unhappy this month as instead of taking holidays in the mountains, they were forced to learn that the one thing worse than underwater bottle aging is: illegal underwater bottle aging. Be warned, the authorities will destroy your loot no matter how much you try to claim it’s a lost Roman ship off the coast of Santa Barbara, California.
For everyone who’s loved that “spiced gold” taste of Captain Morgan since they were teenagers but never thought, “How can I tear it up with the Captain, but without requiring a ‘tactical chunder’?” well un-rum fans, mega-drinks giant, Diageo has answered your prayers with an alcohol-free Captain Morgan. Just $19 and you get a roundtrip ticket on a boozeless cruise.
For those who might remember another age when people drank like fishes and chain-smoked a pack a day while pregnant, comes the rebirth of “the Oppenheimer” cocktail. It’s basically an exceedingly stiff Gin Martini with a sweet rim: "four ounces of gin [120ml] and a dash of vermouth; the rim of the chilled glass was dipped in honey and lime juice." And people wondered how otherwise intelligent men could be responsible for creating the most devastating weapon in the history of our planet. The answer, was “Gin” all along.
For anyone who happens to be in the Venn Diagram overlap of “Shitty” and “Italian”, let it be known that if you go to Albania and skip out on your restaurant bill, the Italian government will pick it up as you’re a sad excuse for a human being that couldn’t split 80€ between four people. Do keep in mind that Italians, “pay off their debts.” Read that however you want.
Are you getting "notes of grape"? Because I was getting notes of grape. Hell, we’re all getting notes of grape! SOMM was an inside job!
For all those who thought otherwise, apparently Vodka isn’t just for the "SunnyD Vodka Seltzer" and can indeed taste like something which in this case is, "bad". In fact it can taste so bad that Costco in the US is actually offering a refund for their own brand hooch. Stick to the Napa “big” winery discount bottles from now on folks.
Also in the news from across the pond, what happens when a biker bar in the US offers an $8 spaghetti night? If you thought that it would go downhill fast, you were right! But really, even $8 is too damned much to pay for a plate of spaghetti unless it comes with a show that isn’t bikers beating the ragù out of one another.
And, while we’re on the topic of Americans, apparently middle-aged adults (as opposed to middle-aged children) are binge drinking and smoking the ganja at record levels. Has anyone perhaps taken a glance at what life is like for us or are you still busy talking about only Boomers and Millennials like Gen X never existed? Hint, it’s #2, not that we like care, or like, you know, whatever.
Apparently wine critic and Masterclasser-er, Señor Jaime Sucklingo doesn't like tasting in wineries as they “tend to have close quarters” which make it hard to see wines properly and—he forgot to add—have sufficient space to reach around and pull over-inflated scores out of one's ass.
From the Godly Desk of Dammit comes word that the average price of a Napa wine has jumped up to $108 (USD not CAD). And they wonder why those of us who can remember when it was “just” $50 a bottle are now smoking the chronic like there’s no tomorrow. Hint, there’s no tomorrow…
And finally, Ukraine added Bacardí to its list of international war sponsors while the French are dishing out 200 million clams to destroy extra wine, once again proving that to lose money, you gotta spend money.
Wait, did someone say “global wine shortage”? Nah, just all the weed talking. Order a pizza.
Palate Cleanser
The driver of a train in Spain was having sex up in the control booth (CAT) while at the station. Once he finished “exchanging business cards”, he then refused to drive the “sex train” afterwards and insisted the engine be swapped out for one that was, cleaner? While it made for a 20 minute delay in the train, it was pretty much just another standard day on the Spanish train system this summer.
Also, do enjoy
referring to Elon Musk as a “jelly-like cretin” amongst many other fineries.Until we meet again, up in the cul of the cuvée.