To quote Bill Murray, “it’s Groundhog Day, again.” And… did Phil see his shadow? Of course not because early spring is the new normal, people. Get those frost candles out pronto, Burgundy!
Given that it is February, we’ve officially left Dry January behind us like the dessicated corpse that it is. Do remember that this miserable celebration of abstinence has been proven time and again to do poop-o-la for recovering from heavy drinking. For that you need tea from water boiled in a kettle and with no salt added. Not to mention, the milk thistle because Jancis knows.
It could also be the case that a “damp” January might be the way forward for anyone sensible, although we at the CdC would like to push for this to be renamed “moist” January to make everything a touch more spicy.
Otherwise, the biggest news to cross the internets is that salt in tea thing as an American chemist discovered it only takes is a pinch to mellow out tea—if you don’t happen to enjoy the innate properties of tea of course. Unfortunately, this small note created a diplomatic flurry which resulted in the worst thing known to the human race: diplomatic “humor”.
After three years of extreme drought, Catalunya has become the first region in Spain to enforce water restrictions. In showing the vast, alternate universe, superiority of “Tourism Math”, the Catalan Tourism Director tried to convince sane people that just because six million people don’t have enough water to live, 12 million tourists will somehow have enough water to visit. In attempting to work this to their advantage, new, proposed slogans could include: “Barcelona in July: Leave your showers at home.” as well as the very catchy, “Visit Catalunya this summer where drinking your own urine is just the beginning!”
Hot off the flatbed that is Back That Truck Up, wine and spirits retailers in the UK are ever so put out as Diageo is ending direct shipments unless a shop is ordering £2 million annually. Johnny Depp apparently breathed a sigh of relief as his London residence is in no risk of being cut off.
As if restaurants don’t have enough to deal with in terms of inflation, staff turnover, rents, and being child friendly, it seems some people have clued in to the fact you can swipe the restaurant’s wine by stashing it in a baby car seat. Maybe it’s time to give that child-friendly policy a re-think.
For everyone wondering, “How can I show that I’m an asshole in a way that all the other assholes aren’t showing their assholery, yet?” For that, you can insist that the ice for your overpriced (and probably Vodka-based) cocktail only comes from glacier ice in Greenland. Short of that, buy a Tesla and stick a gas generator in it for charging. Just watch out when driving those fjords in Norway.
Apparently Lisa Rudick is a traditional girl and absolutely doesn’t want to go to a wine tasting for her bachelorette party as that’s where the future baby shower should be held.
In staying true to its years of excellence as a brand, the San Francisco International Wine Competition gave four “double golds” (which sounds like having double Covid) to bottles from the Trump winery. Let’s note that these are wines which have historically owned the mid-80 point bracket. One can only hope that those winning civil lawsuits against Herr Donald won’t get stuck with this “double gold” winery. But, in a bid to outdo themselves, they also gave a “Best in Show Red Wine” to a 10€ wine from Ribera del Duero. Obviously, these are the best wines in the entire world and not the case that they’re the only ones they got to choose from.
Our sister publication High Time (singular, so not the weed one) reports that a website has reported that American Airlines has done away with their wine list. As we all know, that extra paper was really bogging down the flight and they’ll save even more on fuel now than Alaska Airlines did when ditching the door plug on the Boeing 787 DeathMax. Wine service will allegedly consist of flight attendants showing a bottle and asking, "This one? No. Okay, how ‘bout this one? Yup. Good stuff. No refills." And do keep in mind that AA is also the airline that scrapped their Champagne service for Trento DOC. Keep it classy!
A very forward-thinking Californian woman has been arrested for attempting to steal $2,500 in Stanley cups (plural, not the hockey one), which are all the rage in reusable drink container options of which these aren’t even really the best. Just make sure to clean them once in awhile folks—note that cleaning will not get rid of the apparent lead contamination?
Saudi Arabia is getting their first alcohol shop in more than 70 years. If you thought the ID checks in the US were a pain in the ass, just wait. Also, CdC is willing to take bets on which wines will be available as we know damned well the Torres wines will be there as that family manages to get them in the PX of every remote UN outpost in the world. You think “influencers” move wine? No, hustle, distribution, and “workin’ it” moves wine.
From our languishing Department of Sure, Whatever, comes word that cannabis beer is being released out into the wild and for sure, they’re doing this without giving it an ID chip. This will cause more of a fracas than microwaving water for tea as it was clearly stated in UN Resolution 2022/58994 that we must properly tag all new bullshit drinks in the world.
Archeologists have discovered an ancient Greek wine shop that “was destroyed by a sudden and mysterious disaster”. For commentary, we turn to our Georgian taxi driver in Tbilisi, having a smoking at Station Square, flush from fleecing the latest Russian patriots arriving for residence visas. Dipping into his well of ancient wine history knowledge he tells us, “And do you know what the ‘sudden’ event was that caused this wine shop’s disappearance? People realized they were drinking shit wines that were only 3,600 years old, not 8,000 years old! Amateurs!”
The Bureau of Keep Strong & Shrug it Off tells us that there are growing reports of continuing weirdness with Covid and booze because, of course there are.
Palate Cleanser
What happens if your Tesla crashes into the water of a fjord in Norway (and it tooootally wasn't an Autopilot error)? Well, you just better hope that there's a sauna boat nearby which can rescue you and then let you get all nice and toasty afterwards. Of course no sauna can erase the trauma of crashing your Musk FailCar which is only slightly more dangerous than the winged terror known at the Boeing 787 DeathMax.
Until we meet again, up in the cul of the cuvée.