The Big Bottles, Florida Man

The recently-random bits.

Here at CdC HQ, we fully embrace Easter and by that we mean that we take a week off, or even more because one can’t be too sure that you’re doing Easter properly unless it means truly slacking and lettin’ the news pile up.

Word comes in from our Russia-in-Exile Bureau currently being hidden in Boris Johnson’s summer home that apparently winemakers in the country are requesting 200% tariffs on wines imported into the fine lands of the U.S. of R. We at the CdC favor this if it means that the “sneaky” devils in the EU still exporting wines to Russia will find little interest for their soon-to-be 30€, bottom-end Oltrepò Pavese Pinot Noir and yes, you know very well who you are.

In what was both a brilliantly-named operation as well as something that is NO SURPRISE, it was uncovered by Operation Mamma Mia (yes, and yes), that millions of Euros of ‘mis-labeled’ olive oil were produced in Italy by bringing in cheaper oils from Spain and Greece to pawn off as ‘Italiano’. In case you weren’t aware “cold pressed” actually refers to the cash changing hands in Italy to make sure dreams comes true.

The UK Army has apparently lifted the ban on soldiers having beards. Word has yet to come down if they’ll soon allow intentionally-ironic monocles and stemless drinking vessels in order to fully embrace the Hipster Class who wants to go and shoot up shit.

The always textually-lithe

Henry Jeffreys

has written up a fine piece about alcohol and Islam, which, spoiler alert, gets into the life of Lawrence Osborne who saw fit to slosh his way through a great many Islamic nations as he could. Finer pursuits there may be, but before jabbing an accusatory finger ask yourself, “What have I done for random history of the future lately?”

From our All Things Andalusia Syndicate comes word of a tremendous blow to raucous street drinking Andalucía, as the annual Cata del Vino Montilla-Moriles has been cancelled this year (ES) for reasons undisclosed. Never forget.

From the Desk of All Things Effin’ Bubbly, apparently, sales are at an all-time high for the wines of DO Cava. This goes to show that when a wine is so cheap that you're practically giving it away, people will indeed drink it up. But, as the Chalk Report points out, this ain’t the good news it’s being sold as. Surprised? Well now, Italy might have some olive oil you’d like to buy.

Who was scammed by Omar Khan? Seemingly everyone with buckets ‘o bucks who liked good wine, but the problem is few want to admit to it, except for those who apparently got zinged for $9.5 million. Always remember kids, if you’re going to scam people, make sure to scam the people too embarrassed to admit how much they lost.

Lettie Teague asks, “How much is too much to pay for a glass of wine?” to which she posits a great many pricing options including the “standard” in the US which is now $25. And that’s for a ‘glass’, which in the US is a 12cl pour instead of the European definition of a ‘glass’ which is around 20cl. We at the CdC suggest the gentleman and lady at the table try the tap water.

Hey, wanna work for a five-star hotel this summer AND live in your car because there’s no affordable housing? Oh, you think we’re talking about San Francisco or NYC? Ha, no, that’s soooo 2023. Nope, this is the new reality for the Balearic Island of Ibiza where even some of the local police are homeless. Come to Ibiza! Get a job! Cook your dinner with a cigarette lighter! Fall asleep to the soothing hues of your dome light!

Big news down south as apparently Florida Man, Ron DeSantis (who’s fresh off of finding out if people couldn’t tell if they didn’t like him or truly hated him) has done something useful in allowing Big Bottles of Wine to legally be imported into the Land of the Panhandle. Word has it that local newspaper are gearing up for a bumper crop of Only in Florida news this year.

Initially, it seemed like the geniuses of Broadway had done it. If they could make a musical about cats, surely they could make a musical about anything as Wine Tasting: The Musical! was going to land shortly. Unfortunately no, it’s a show with wine pairings and a group of women gathering together to talk (sing?) about their problems in life. It’s unknown as to when Broadway musicals simply became Reality TV, on a stage.

The Jancis asks, how ‘green’ is your wine stopper as that’s what The Jancis does. Unfortunately the answer is: don’t drink wine, you’re destroying the planet!

And we leave with a Very Important Notice from the team of Air Force One: Hey journalists, stop stealing the fucking pillow cases off the plane! You can keep the M&Ms though.

Until we meet again, up in the cul of the cuvée.