The age of no cold beer
The recently-random bits.
Dear readers, for one hot moment, let’s bring back ‘Fake News’.
We seem to have kind of forgotten about Fake News back in 2016 as everything has seemed fake from that point onwards, but there is a time and a place for calling something Fake News and the CdC is jabbing one of our booze-pickled fingers right at the headline of, “Dealcoholized wines making an impact with consumers” because… have you actually had dealcoholized wines lately?
Well, come to think of it, they’re not actually saying as to what kind of “impact” this may be because if it’s a horrifyingly-negative one due to a process that yoinks out 12-15% of a wine, then sure, this isn’t actually Fake News and instead gets back to something we’ve long known which is, just sucking.
While down home in Tennessee they’re trying to ban cold beer. Why? So people plan ahead and don’t do drunken runs to the beer store (that’s how it’s called, right?) and instead have all the booze already at home, properly chilled for Netflix. Right about now would be time for a simile pointing out how stupid this is, but there just ain’t a simile nor even a metaphor up to the task and which is why cousin marriage had to be made illegal.
Definitely not Fake News is the fact that shipping issues caused by Houthi rebels (and not the hot one) have seen us on the cusp of a tea shortage which might just drive people to act… in a most uncouth manner. Save Tea, Drink Coffee?
If you've ever come home drunk to find that you need to put the duvet in the duvet cover (the #1 reason for sleeping in your drunken clothes), then don't watch this video of a bed making competition in China where you'll realize that you've not only been making your bed wrong, but probably every decision of your entire life.
Anyone up for good news from Ukraine? It involves mutant wolves. Now you're interested because the wolves will outlive us all! Of course in simpler terms, ‘If you want to support Ukraine, drink Ukrainian wine!’
News up from the drawer that is the Veg Desk asks, why are most vegans, Lady Vegans? Could it have anything to do with... “precarious masculinity”? Nah, there totally aren’t any men who call other men, “soy boys” just so that they can feel like they’ve still got a pair.
A little something to all the ladies out there who think they know how to Danger Chug Champagne: Kate Shumskaya would like a word.
The sommelier is dead, long live the sommelier, or something like that. It appears that if you still want to somm it up these days, then you might have to work other jobs in the restaurant like (gads!) bussing tables. Oh and perhaps male somms should also stop being so rapey, which should go without saying except that it can’t.
And who needs sommeliers anyways when it appears that chatbots are on the verge of taking over the world of upselling people on things, just like Air Canada learned.
They’re planning for a vineyard-covered roof on the new international terminal in Florence, Italy. Jokes have abounded in how the resulting wines from the rooftop grapes will have notes of jet fuel and tarmac when people missed out that the real joke will be on travelers inside the airport once the roots tear through the ceiling and make it just slightly less leaky than Barajas International in Madrid which leaks not due to vines on the roof but the fact Spain hasn’t been able to make an impermeable roof since moving out of caves as shown by the CdC offices, built in 2011, with the “ceiling irrigation system” free of charge.
From our sister publication, Olé Today, it appears that Granada, Spain has been named the “Culture Capital of the World” which is apparently due to all of its "five-star restaurants" and... does that mean they're taking Google Maps, Yelp, and TripAdvisor reviews seriously? If so, The Darkness is upon us dear readers.
Obviously Gen Z talking about how drinking has driven them into debt is a very US-centric article as in most of Europe (minus the Scandis) you can pick up a good bottle of wine for under 10€ (or even at 2€ for those with “flexible tastes”) and huff it down in the street before going into the club and only order water as you're the "designated driver". And yes, this is what it means to live.
Palate Cleanser
In what's going to be great news to European royal families and anyone living in a historic wine region, cousin marriage is apparently “fine”.
Until we meet again, up in the cul of the cuvée.