21 July 2023
Sorry to disappoint, but the world of drink has left us without any actual scandal to report this week. Never fear as scandal-ish things are still managing to appear on the horizon such as the “water sommelier” that apparently continues to be a… thing?
Spectators at Wimbledon were chastised for popping too many Champagne corks during the recent matches. Apparently, "ahem-ing", is still permitted but it’s (allegedly) inferred that people should not audibly scrape the knife along the bottom of the caviar bowl. It really doesn't get any more Wimbledon than this.
From the Western Beer Front we have sad news that, the Anchor is down and not coming back up. I have fond memories of sitting around drinking Anchor Steam when I lived in San Francisco as we all thought it was more affordable because it was made in San Francisco. The joke was on us as the only thing affordable in San Francisco is fasting, maybe.
This just in from the Yeah, Whatever Desk, “Is Wine the Next Big Cocktail Ingredient?” as well as “Can I combine two partial bottles of the same wine?” because you know, yeah, whatever.
Why do we still put capsules on the top of wine bottles? There’s no good answer, but some producers are finally taking a stand and getting rid of these pointless trash toppers. And no, don’t even start with alternatives because “wax” is not the answer!
Oh Sweet, Spicy Jesus, there’s a Sriracha hot sauce shortage?!! Say it isn’t so! Or, maybe there’s not? The truth is somewhere in between and maybe it’s Sriracha that’s the Next Big Cocktail Ingredient. Watch out 2024.
Some are saying that the 2023 vintage in California will be like the 2011. I have two words for this: bring it. I know, I know, you don’t buy Napa wines because they’re subtle, nuanced, and have crisp natural acidity, but everything is in motion these days so make sure to get on the Change Train before it leaves the station.
Whiskers, wags, and wines if the theme of a benefit for a local Humane Society. I’m on board with absolutely everything in there. Put me down as a “Meow +1”.
Oh look. Someone is making wine underwater. Again.
Sussex, England want them enotourists to come on down! There are apparently "138 vineyards" to visit which one can only assume is British for "winery", or not? I never know as a “vine yard” I take to be the place with vines due to words in the English language saying as much. So yeah, the “World’s Best Vineyards” is in fact a list of the best “wineries”. Madness! (Although that’s also the name of an English band.)
In from our sister publication, “Big Hot Balloonin’ Times”, it appears that Millennials are scampering for hot air balloon "experiences" in Napa Valley by the bucket load. Not possible. Total Fake News. As we all know, Millennials aren't buying wine according to some report by a guy from this bank that doesn't exist anymore.
Remember the Mission Impossible style theft of Lincoln Fine Wines in Los Angeles? Well, police are now asking for the public's help, but for anyone who has watched crime films, we already know that in the end, the thief... was right behind us in the cellar the whole time.
Finally, a piece that takes on the Teatotal Taint which has swept over wine as of late as said taint, "ignores the value of pleasure." The piece then goes on to ask a related but different question, "Is there any data on health benefits to orgasms?" It’s important to keep emphasizing that none of us were drinking wine because we thought it was a wheatgrass smoothie cure all but instead because it tastes freakin’ good.
And last, despite having a lunatic raining missiles down upon all their cities, the Ukrainians have somehow managed to find export channels for their wines in 49 countries during 2022. Well done.
Until we meet again, up in the cul of the cuvée.