Guzzling with the stars

Taste the hype, savor the fame adjacency.

From recent press releases about Dolly Parton’s new ‘Dolly Wines’ that were a seriously-missed naming opportunity, to Brangelina’s lucrative Provençal Rosé divorce adventures, to Jon Bon Jovi’s uh, Rosé, to Drew Barrymore’s, uh… other Rosé (wtf?) that’s made by “individually peeling the skin off the grapes” (seriously wtf?), or then all the other ‘famous’ rosés, celebrity wines are most seriously a thing.

If you’ve missed jumping through the window of the passing car that is fame by association, don’t worry! As Jay-Z showed with the Armand de Brignac “Ace of Spades” line, celebrity wines bring in some serious bankroll, so here are a few more headed your way. Get yourself ready to splash out on something a famous person has put their name on!

The Rock’s Shiraz

He body slammed us as a wrestler. He charmed us with his comedic side in “Central Intelligence”. He single-handedly saved the “Faster-er Furiouser-er” franchise.

A man of many talents, Dwayne Johnson’s success is all founded on having biceps the size of jet engines which is why he’s happy to introduce his South Australian Shiraz.

Brawny, peppery but with a unique down-home charm that’s irresistible. Each wine comes in a special, “rock bottle” weighing 5kg so that you can do your curls while drinking this blockbuster wine.

Dwayne is fully-involved in the winemaking, pressing all the grapes for the wines with his bare hands and reducing the use of pumps in the cellar via his sucking all wine through a pipe he made from palm trees.

Oloroso Colman

Versatile, flexible and for years largely unappreciated before her Oscar win. But as seen in “Hot Fuzz”, Olivia Colman is not without a delightfully naughty streak at times like when the flor dies off to give that zesty nutty bit of intentional innuendo? Oh yes.

Olivia’s signature Oloroso fits in to any meal and greatly enhances it no matter what the role. Appetizer? No problem. Mains? No problem. Even the cheese course can’t take down this star.

Very active in the winemaking, Olivia has seemingly mastered every supporting role in the harvest and will officially take over running the winery once the head winemaker (currently on paid leave) resolves all his sexual harassment lawsuits.

Zins of Keanu

How old is he? What’s his family background? Will he go indie or mainstream with the next film? Keanu Reeves is a multi-layered star who now brings his talents to the wine world.

Like the man himself, this Zinfandel sourced from Sustainable farms in Lodi makes it hard to discern this wine’s origin or what its future holds, but it’s such a crowd pleaser, who cares!

Californian, Italian, Croatian, or even further afield, what you end up with in this Zinfandel is a deep, brooding wine that’s still got that blockbuster underpinning with a touch of sweetness. If you see this wine carrying a dishwasher up a fire escape to Charlize Theron in the near future, don’t be surprised!

Keanu meditates in the vineyards from the onset of ripening until harvest, all to protect the grapes when they are at their most vulnerable point.

Janney’s Riesling Reserve

Allison Janney’s latest shows seem like something only your mom would watch but once you sit down, you end up enjoying them as well thanks to her wit and understated acidic zing. Lithesome but with plenty of body and complexity as it ages, this is a wine that embodies Allison at her best, especially as it’s one of the tallest bottles on the market!

While Allison isn’t active in the winemaking, she enjoys drinking this wine year-round, but only while seated because she doesn’t want to tower over the wine like she does her male co-stars.

CruiseBec

What may have seemed like a youthful, one hit wonder just keeps coming back for me. No matter how many new editions are released, it always starts to seem like we’re sitting down to the same thing. It makes one think, “How many times can you jump out of a plane or run down a street shirtless?” Oh, are we talking about the man now or the wine?

By now, it’s clear that they’re one and the same and that’s why this Malbec embodies everything about the ageless Mr. Tom Cruise so effortlessly, except instead of HGH injections, its meatiness is enhanced by being put through spinning cones to remove any sediment, volatility, or signs of aging.

Mr. Cruise screams while parachuting into the vineyards from low altitude during harvest to “encourage” the pickers and ward off holistic engrams. He then watches all the winemaking with great intention from a live video feed in his onset trailer. Note that all winery workers have voluntarily asked to wear remote-controlled electric shock collars.

Pinot Gwygio

Gwyneth Paltrow has been acting since she was 17 and now has an academy award as well as a website called “Goop” given that “slop.com”, “froth.com”, and “dung.com” were taken.

Gwyneth, is everywhere, just like this Pinot Grigio made in her honor! This wine shows a pale color and has been made as a non-vintage wine from Clean grapes in Veneto, Italy so as it can take on the life force of younger grapes to maintain vibrancy and that smug grin of thinking it “made it” all on its own merits.

Be warned that this will be an exclusive wine, only available to Goop subscribers for $67 a bottle. It will also be found at Whole Foods in the “Yoga Accessories” section.

During bottling, Gwyneth works with the winemaker to consciously uncouple each wine from the tank and has her assistant sign each of the bottles in her name using a pen with ink that has passed through two magnets immersed in a colloidal mineral solution.

This article was originally published in Hudin.com.