There are few more pressing issues at the moment than the pressure on the White House sommelier, Max Porswell, to finally release the Epstein Wine List.
Porswell has been putting up a brave front, trying to contend with the demands of the masses (including the CdC White House Press Detachment) by not commenting publicly. Enough has however been enough for Mr. Porswell as he has finally gone on record that there is no, nor has there ever been an Epstein Wine List as everything was drunk far too young.
In more important news, fresh outta our Nat Division, how does one prep for an evening in a natural wine bar? Remember, gentle readers, if you don't have tattoos you CAN go into a natural wine bar, but you still won't like anything. Also, that face when attempting to huff down the Crunchy Goo Goo Slurper for $19 a glass. Also, you can never leave. There’s a list.
For all you last minute wine shoppers, in case you’re still looking for that fresh zip of the 2024 wines, you’re in luck as they ain’t been sold yet! (FR) Of course no one is like freakin’ out or anything as it’s not like the tanks are full of 2024 with the 2025 harvest about to arrive. Annakin… the tanks aren’t full of 2024 with the 2025 harvest about to arrive?
Speaking of buying wine, are you ready to RUUUUUUMBLE?! Sorry, but maybe you’re ready to pay $60 in a restaurant for an Italian wine that actually costs 5€? And yes, there still is bottle service in a dumpster fire.
From our Analyzing Analyses Bureau, we’d like to ask that everyone pay us for a study that says The Youth isn't drinking wine. Okay, now pay us for a study that says The Youth IS drinking wine. Our work here is done.
Love that Benidorm, Spain stank, but prefer it with more of a despotic tinge and even more Russian tourists? Well, North Korea has the answer for you!
Ever wonder why Brad Pitt would scoop up a UFO house and then put it on display at Catalan winery? Simply, because he can. And you, cannot. Perhaps you’d like some fresh 2024 wines? Great prices! Please….
Sparkling wine producer and malignant Borg entity, Freixenet has now released a 0% alcohol white wine. It’s said that in blind taste tests people can't tell the difference between this or their regular wines or really, any of their wines.
If your Elvis ‘hologram’ experience includes no hologram, you've been had. But hey, at least they’re pouring Champagne or maybe some sparkling thing from 2024 made in the South of France or worse, Spain and with just some CO2 gas for the bubbles. And come on, it's better than that Willy Wonky crapfest, right?
It remains to be known how the Court of Master Sommeliers America were able to bottle cheating, sexual inappropriateness, and racism into such small bottles, but wonders shall never cease. Can we get a “fuck yeah, science!”? Amen.
One has to love how a Belgian racing team “just happened” to have some beer in the car. You can never stop, staying on brand.
For all those who think that big is better, this is not your bottle. And yes, if you need a huge bottle, you should probably seek help.
And lastly, a sunbathing boar on Corsica, of course. When asked to pay for the sun lounger, it promptly replied, “Don't you know who I am?”, went into the water and swam away, taking all our fever dreams of summer with it…
Until we meet again, up in the cul of the cuvée.