The definitive wine guide for Valentine’s Day
Whether looking for love, getting loaded or a mix of both, Miquel Hudin has got your back.
Did you feel that strange, tingly sensation when Phil the Groundhog looked for his shadow last week? Of course you did because it’s time to get ready for the emotional crash landing better known, as Valentine’s Day.
Depressing to the common mortal? Yes. But please, just think about all the poor wine writers out there who don’t want to write about this and yet, every year, they still do because Wine.com, BevMo, Waitrose, BBR & all the others have to move unsold stock from the holidays—and lately there’s a lot.
But, it’s long overdue that we drive Wine Cupid to that farm upstate and put him (they?) out of our misery. By this I mean having a definitive guide to this beautiful day of love and commercial gain that will allow us all to “swipe left” in the future and be done with choosing wine for Valentine’s Day.
Green means, get on with it
Like in chess, first moves are always important, so what fine bottle do you choose to start out the evening?
A white wine makes a great deal of sense, hopefully. But do take care that its color shows hints of green, or, “lusty” green if one must spell it out. Something like a Semillon from Hunter Valley, Australia or maybe some kind of underripe funky Chablis made as Vin de France because it’s too cool to simply be “Chablis”.
Maybe you and yours are even cooler than Vin de France non-Chablis?
If so, I both envy and fear you and in that case, you absolutely must start with a Riesling. A Grand Cru from Alsace says, “I care and I’m a complete freak about terroir.”
If however you’re so cool that “cool” would be a pejorative manner to describe you, then nothing says Valentine’s Day like a mouth full of skin-contact white. Some Georgian Amber Khvikvi or a Slovenian Orange Rebula show class and refinement as you dig into the sesame-açai vegan pâté and Gruyere nachos that you wisely chose as starters, you sly devil you.
The power of bubbles
Now that everyone is a touch loosened up, let’s move on to the next if not the most common wine for Valentine’s Day: sparkling.
You should stock up on great quantities of this given that while not everyone likes it, everyone can drink it and drinking is what makes Valentine’s Day beautiful tolerable.
Anyone who says differently on the booze front either legally can’t drink or is lying. That or they work for a greeting card company who still think a piece of cardstock saying, “I Wuv You Dis Much!” can in some way stand in for a fine evening of alcohol paired with someone you truly care about and/or just met on Tinder.
Don’t worry if you’re broke and can’t afford something like Champagne as that’s what the ice bucket is for. Oh, you thought it was to keep the bubbly at skin-tingling temperatures for fresh enjoyment throughout the evening? No, it’s to hide the fact you went out and got a Prosecco, Cava, Crémant de Somewhere, or god forbid, what the sommelier at the wine shop claimed was a declassified “Franciacorta” being sold off as Lambrusco.
If you went for that Riesling or skin-contact option to start the evening, then I’d be horribly dismayed if you weren’t drinking anything other than pét-nat/ancestrale as your bubbly of choice. And yes, it’s Valentine’s Day, you totally need to pretend that pét-nat actually tastes good just as much as you’re pretending to have a good time. Like I really need to tell you that, you homo superous.
But do keep in mind that literally everyone keeps saying, “Nothing says romance in a glass better than pink bubbles” and if you’re on a budget, the entire sparkling industry has a slew of cheap, pink, Instagram-friendly sparkling wines.
Want in? Well, head down to Cava land because their use of red grapes like Grenache, Trepat, and Pinot Noir will ensure you the pinkest of bubbles not at Champagne prices nor caviar dreams. (*) And if you want something pink that sounds like love because it has a lot of vowels in the name, then Franciacorta is your BFF With Benefits.
Pink is the color of l*ve
So what if you have dipped your toe in those bubbly pinky waters? Well friends, you’ve arrived at a crossroads in how to continue your wine choices for the evening once moving into the still wines.
Do you keep on with the pink theme? Or, do you shift into fifth and splash out to the reds?
Pink would be the traditional choice of course and if you search around a month in advance, rosé will totally be on sale as while the new vintage hasn’t yet come to market, shops are dying to sell off the previous year.
The classiest of rosés? Provence. Something Frenchy always sounds sexy, even if it’s called, Château du Poutain.
But maybe you can strike out and go modern, picking up what John Legend is “making” these days because he’s got a rosé that’s called, “LVE”. You see, it’s “love” without that empty O-hole in it.
If however you’ve honored the Riesling and pounded the pét-nat, then you need to “unicorn” it up and get a bottle of Viña Tondonia Rosado Gran Reserva. Anything less is cool-factor failure and all worship of you shall cease. Sorry, those are the rules and your wallet must pay for them, thusly.
But hey, don’t freak out at this point. If all of this starts to overwhelm, just get what’s on sale on the bottom shelf of your local gas station. If billionaire Jerry Jones can buy his wine at the gas station, so can you.
Red wine, a masculine femininity
Maybe you’re not buying into the pink though? Maybe that’s just a little too sellout-y for Valentine’s Day?
The obvious choice is to pick solely based upon name. Go and grab from the Scrabble bag that’s one of the 6,000 different wines with “amore” in the name. These are made everywhere from Italy to California, including Italy and California.
What’s in it? Who cares! It’s says “love” on the bottle, but in European!
Be careful choosing on name alone though. Case in point, Ménage à Trois which should not exist as a wine and yet, does because it’s a blend of tree grapes, so, like funny… except for the one that’s 100% Muscat or the other one that’s a Prosecco. But nothing is sweeter than a wine with 90 points awarded by the winery to itself, unless of course they’re 91 Sucklings, awarded by someone who wants you to pay to be in his next wine event.
Also take care with wines such as: “Bitch”, “Prick”, or “Hampton Waters” which will be a likely failure as well no matter how irony-prone your partner may be. And need it be said that “Trump” stated anywhere on the bottle will definitely kill the mood just like it did from 2016-2020?
But if you like that masculine femininity in a wine, then you’re in luck because for whatever that might actually mean there’s: Amarone, Californian Zinfandel, cheap Spanish Grenache, and Californian Cabernet Sauvignon. When you need to bring the fruit and booze, these bottles have got your back.
The sweet kiss of dessert
As we squeeze the last drizzle out of the reds, we’re on to dessert and what’s the sweet most consumed on Valentine’s Day? Yes, that’s right, chocolate. And what wine pairs with chocolate? Nothing. There are truly no wines that are actually good with chocolate. Remember that and be free.
If you want to say “I Wuv You Dis Much”, show up with a Vintage Port and a block of Stilton, but never chocolate.
Someone who was in a tragic balloon animal accident once said that Brachetto d’Acqui is great with chocolate. No. This lightly-sweet, sparkling wine is best with salumi and… Jesus, we’re almost at the end of this, don’t go back to the appetizers and if in doubt, just do shots of Limoncello!
So there, you’ve arrived. Are you still conscious? What, you passed out on Valentine’s Day?!! Epic. Maybe it was good you got the wines at the gas station after all.
Happy Valentine’s Day!
(*) Please note that ‘caviar dreams’ sounds like a truly horrible affliction and something to see your doctor about, immediately.
This article originally ran on Hudin.com.